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You really don't know how much something or someone means to you until it's gone...
For awhile now I've been busy with my girlfriend, and up until recently she has ceased our relationship. Sure it's only temporary but, I've never felt more alone in my life. She was my entire world and now... I don't know what to think. You may say, "There are other fish in the sea." or, "You'll get over her." but... she was special. We went together like bread and butter. Every moment I spent worrying about her, calling her, talking to her, having fun and special times with her was like a moment felt in heaven. I feel like they're all gone now... I can barely keep myself upright. So much so that even my heart feels like it's missing.. I loved drawing, I wanted to become great, I wanted to become famous, I wanted to go to Japan... but not anymore.. she was all I wanted in the end.. she was my everything.. she says she'll come back but... waiting hurts. It may come soon but.. the thing about her is that she's very much in love with a fictional character. I know it's stupid and it's just fake but.. she acts like he's real.. she would get pissed off if I ever said anything about him. I don't know what to do anymore. Time and time again I've restricted myself from taking my life but I don't know for how much longer. My world is falling apart and I'm standing on the last few slabs of what used to be my sanity. I'm not a very sociable person so... she was the one I'd talk to and feel comfortable with. I just don't know if she still feels the same about me... after all we've been through, good and bad, I can only say that... I want to be with her so bad. But I can't... she wanted a break from love and relationships... I can't blame her after all the shit she's been through but... I feel she's growing more and more distant from me... and I don't want that to happen...
Does she still love me..?
Does she still need me around..?
Would she really be sad if I just disappeared..?
Has she forgotten every second I spent caring, worrying, and talking with and about her..?
I've become dependent on her love. It's like a drug. I really bit down hard into it... and I need it. I can barely live a single day without thinking about her on every waking moment. And lately, the thoughts I've been thinking have only served to drag me down further. "Will she leave me and say she no longer wants to be in a relationship..?", "Will she no longer feel love for me once she feels she's ready for a relationship again..?". These thoughts are eating away at me from my core. All I've heard from friends is that, "If she really loves you she'll come back, feelings don't disappear that easily.". But what if they do for her..? What if I have only been ruining our relationship further with me getting jealous all the time...? What if she never wants to talk to me again..? What if...? WHAT IF...?
This is something I know I can't do alone.. It's already begun to sink deep into my soul and leaving marks along the way. I want to tell her how much she means to me. But would she care..?
I can't bare the thought of losing her... It's the same as if I were to lose myself. But I don't know how she feels about me anymore... Her eyes her vacant and she holds no capacity to sympathize at the moment. I hope she'll be okay. And I hope she will return to me one day when she feels she's ready.